Harm, my ex, brought it as a service announcement. He had another and was going to leave us. Very businesslike, very calm – but my world fell apart. I also knew we weren’t having the best marriage in the world, but I never thought that the father of my three kids would cheat on me with someone else. That same day, he packed his bags and moved in with his new girlfriend. We were left in ruins.
I had a very hard time in those first years. Financially so much had to be arranged and Harm did nothing to accommodate me in the slightest. Eventually we were assigned a rental flat, where I still live.
Harm bought a house with his girlfriend and very soon came to say that he was going to be a father again. From that moment on he saw our children sporadically. He had just started a new life – we no longer fit in.
The feeling of rejection has bothered me incredibly. And I had not only my own grief, but that of my children as well. In the early years it was really a matter of survival.
Then I gathered myself together and went into therapy. I had completely lost my self-worth. I was also completely obsessed with Harm and his new life. I learned to let go of that, but it was a pretty slow process.
I am back, I can say for a few years now. I had gained more than 20 kilos through all the misery; I am an emotion eater. That is off again, I started exercising. I feel a lot better physically, but also mentally.
My ex doesn’t touch me anymore. The children are now at an age where they go their own way. I finally get back to myself. And as far as I am concerned, a relationship fits in again, only that I do not dare.
I had always hoped that I would bump into a new love “in the wild”. But that did not happen. Not at work, not in the supermarket, nor in the gym. Nowhere.
I hate dating online. I created a profile a few times, but every time I came across the same superficial conversations and men who were only after one thing: sex. And now I crave that too, but I don’t want to do it with a man if there isn’t any kind of love involved. That doesn’t suit me.
I have now reached a bit of a dead end. Corona doesn’t help with that, of course. Many people do not dare to date for fear of infections. And in the public space, where I always kept my eyes wide open, I now mainly see people wearing mouth masks.
Flirting is dead. A face lacks almost all expression because of those pieces of fabric. Not that I was such an adept flirt. But it has now become very difficult.
I have such a need for sex. To intimacy. Of course I do masturbation, but after all these years I am also a bit done with myself. “You just need a dick,” my best friend said bluntly last week, when I complained again about the lack of a man in my life.
As flat as it sounded, she was right. I even dream about it. Not infrequently I wake up very excited.
Maybe I should change tack and meet up with a man I turned up online. After all, you also hear success stories from people who have found each other on Tinder or a dating site and have been together for years.
I keep finding it scary. I’ve come this far; what if a man hurts me again and I have to take a few steps back? I have such doubts… I just notice that the urge keeps getting bigger. It will happen one day anyway. ”